I am feeling like today is day I finally leave house for something other than work. I have not yet left though. Look out world? Here I come?

I have all kinds of legitimate reasons for staying home and even more excuses.

I think today though I hit shower and then hit the road.

Woo Hoo? Yall probably don’t give a shit but to me it is a big deal.

I need to find a place in “society.”

It is hard for me because I have no Americana left in me.

I really don’t.

I used to love this nation and its people. I really did. I used to believe.

Now, it is just this space.


Bartman, Steve, and The Real Goat

I stopped caring about baseball and the Cubs a long time ago basically.

It had more to do with politics and Congressional inquiries into the game than the game itself. Congress does not need to worry about baseball. But Congress is a farce for tyranny like the rest of our government….

But there is part of me too that hopes Cubs make it to World Series and win it.

I hope this for my family and friends most of whom are huge Cubs fans.

I also hope so for Bartman. I hope they let the goat into the game, far from field but none-the-less.

I don’t like the city of Chicago and unless a lot changes there, I will never return.

I don’t personally care, other than as stated above.


Another day where I won’t be leaving house except to head to work.

I was tired all day. I have been home since my last shift ended around 5am. I leave for work in about an hour.

I am not used to third shift.

I am walking around in that daze haze I mentioned.

I will have to try again tomorrow to get out. I am tired and still fighting off my latest bout of depression.

I had not been in a depressive state in a while, long time.

It is a combination of my recent termination but mostly my required switch to third shift.

I and others who have bouts of depression are usually quite susceptible to changes in sleep patterns.

I have no choice though. I have to work.

I am OK mostly at work because too busy to be tired or at least let it affect me outwardly.

It is hard to sleep restfully during day.

I am tired now, but somewhat less than last night.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have more energy.

Last night was a hard shift too as way understaffed.

We have been every shift I have worked.

It seems to be a trend in my jobs, understaffed.

Hopefully tonight we have a full complement.

Hopefully tomorrow I get out before work.



Condition Yellow to Condition Orange? What did I see?

I didn’t see anything. I really didn’t. That was part of problem. I will get to that in a bit.

I heard a woman yelling F-Bombs. I could not see her. I heard her yelling in general.

That got my attention in condition yellow. I am considering orange, there may be danger.

Then I heard a man yell for her to get off his property.

The situation was escalating.

I could not see the people through trees. I didn’t know the exact position or orientation, tree and undergrowth.

I knew they were about a hundred yards away approximately and there general direction.

I have a decent idea what is beyond those trees from viewing in winter months with no leaves etc.

Anyway, I went back in and through house to front.

I didn’t wait to see if cooler heads prevail. I didn’t intervene.

I finished my smoke out front and hoped they calmed down.

See, if they had a handgun, if, I had no idea their potential line of fire. Many handguns can kill or injure at 100 yards.

I didn’t go full on orange.

Yellow is my goal.

Did they have a gun? Probably not. I did not know.

This was a fight, argument. They can and do become gunfights.

Get out of Dodge cow folk.


This is ALARA, as low as reasonably achievable.

I practiced time, distance and shielding.

This is what I am trained to do. I train the trainers….

Well, I used to.


What can my country do for me?

You can let the Ranchers go and jail Comey, for starters.

You can tell the police I don’t need a damn gun permit.

You can keep Hillary’s ass out of office.

There is more.

You can compensate me financially for the crimes Wright State University perpetrated against me.

Oh there is more.


My blog is such a downer Huh?

I am not good at fake happy.

I don’t have some Ray of Hope to shine.

I see what really happens in America.

It brings me down.

It does.

I don’t get a thrill writing this stuff.

I don’t see myself as some guru.

I just write what I see mostly.


Still not done much of anything…. I must be in a “holding pattern.”

I am tired. I am still acclimating to being on a third shift schedule full time. I am basically tired all the time now. It is not something I will ever be used to really. I will be in a sort of a daze, haze all the time now. I will eventually learn to function better in it. This daze haze plus my depression has led me to be very careful about pushing myself.

I have been concentrating on rest and sun.

I have wanted to shoot at a range but I just was not enough into driving there or concentrating when I arrived. So I am putting it off. I don’t shoot distracted.

Plus, my job is physical so I am resting. I will consider going to range tomorrow but I probably won’t go then either.

I probably won’t go until next week sometime.

I wanted to shoot some video using the small armor build I made. But I was not into it enough to gather up all I would need in terms of equipment and “personal skill.”

I make it look “easy” but hitting a four inch square target with a handgun is not really easy. I want the video to be fun to make and watch. It would not have been either if made today.


At some point, I will have to push myself, or I will be home all the time unless I am at work.

See, even on my best days, I am no longer all that keen on venturing out into society.

This nation will never be the same to me again. There is no real thing in or about it that I really want to be a part of.

I don’t think many of you can even begin to understand how I feel now about this nation. I don’t love it. I don’t even really like it.

I try to be civil to those I encounter when I go out. I try to be genuine.

But as for having some bond with my fellow Americans?

That is all gone.


Even at a gun range, I am unlike the people there. They are all pretty much support the police and military and wave the flag.

I ain’t. I ain’t all CHL permit quasi-freedom.

I am not even like them.


I don’t really have any interests left.

I really don’t. Most of what I do now is some residual habit from a former life.

Even writing this blog is some kind of habit.

About all I have left is this sense that there might be some purpose to life. Maybe.


I mostly just try to find things to pass the time.

The armor I make is an example. I do it to pass time mostly.

I do it knowing full well that it is as meaningless as the life it is meant to protect.

I have some love left but nowhere to direct it.

I don’t believe in America anymore.

I don’t believe in it at all.

It is just this place full of people that might be dangerous.

I leave them be.

The world is full of people who might be dangerous. That is all the world really is to me

Here is the world. Right here.


What have I made here? What will break it?


You know it is an armor build. I built it purposefully not quite complete. I did that on purpose. I am testing something. I have a pretty good idea what might break it, the “minimum.” You got any thoughts on subject? You think a pellet gun will break it?


Condition Yellow: Condition Orange: Condition Red

Yellow Alert: Star Trek ain’t what I am talking about.

I am talking about, Cooper, and the Conditions.

We don’t control the conditions completely.

It is better to be in yellow. If you see orange, be very careful. Get out and find yellow as soon as possible. Be careful moving.

See condition red? That is when people are actively fighting. Red is bad.


Still Rootin’ for you, Marvin. Nice game Patriots.

To beat the Patriots is not easy. To do it, you must play a whole game, and essentially “stay home.” It is a work at home program sort of.

Sometimes you must stay home and be on road.

The Patriots know what they got and how to use it.

Yall better figure something out.

I could stop them enough to beat them, given an offense that scored.

Nice try, Marvin. I mean that.

You are a good coach. Just find a way to get over top.

I saw some real good things from Bengals Sunday. I saw some not so good things.

One main thing is finishing drives on both sides of ball, but especially on offense.

I know you like Dalton. I like Dalton.

But right now, I would give McCarron the ball.

You need to finish drives. Teams respond differently to different players.

McCarron had Pittsburgh beat in playoffs coach. He sure did. Then two defensive players blew it, lost their cool.

Fix it coach.



The Curious Case of the Police

Society needs police. It does.

It doesn’t need dead police.

It needs police to be alive just like anyone else.

I criticize police. I do. I don’t shoot them. I don’t tell you to shoot them.

It won’t help things. And police are people too. They may be misguided in some ways, but they are people.

They are damn fool open carriers a lot of them. “Everybody” hates the police.

Not everyone hates police. Police lead a dangerous life.

I mean it is crazy really.

I don’t hate police. I critique them. I critique me. Feel free to do the same.


The Curious Case of Finicum

Finicum was exercising his rights that the U.S. soldiers supposedly died for.

He was tired of fighting to exercise his rights. He had his hands up. He was surrendering.

He was assassinated and it was all recorded on video to sell a movie eventually. Hollywood or NYC will do it with guidance from the Old Ones.

I wonder if Finicum figured it out before he took one to head.

You know, I analyze this case from the perspective of industry professionals in self defense. None of them do, at least not that I have seen.

It is tyranny. These instructors are really full of shit in that they are all cops and police.

See, the people who killed Finicum were police and FBI, with some ex-military.

So trainer, should Finicum just have shut up?

See the state, criminal actors are conspiring. And when I say soliders

and police don’t defend you, I am far

from wrong.

Trainer, you are full of shit like this nation.

Trainer, you are full of shit like this nation.


Close Quarter Combatives

I am not going to go into great detail here. There are many reasons for that.

I am going to say though that many highly qualified, competent and respected instructors teach how to get to your opponents 6 and hurt  them so they can’t attack you anymore.

I don’t disagree with them.

Thing is, and it is a big thing! I have yet to see any of them explain how to defend yourself in legal terms and in court of opinion.

There are very few who truly understand self defense in combat.

Sometimes these people are as or more dangerous than your original Attacker.

See, I don’t know what to tell you either.



See there are all these soldiers, and cops training you, mostly anyway.

You are not a cop or a soldier. Criminals are super soldiers.

In the hierarchy of option, many of the ones soldiers and cops have, you don’t.

It aint even close to right. It is what it is though.

Try to avoid having to waste some SOB. But get real good at it.

Otherwise you may die. You may die anyway. You are the bottom of the heap. Me too.


I am off today. It is my one day off this week so I must make most of it. I feel better mentally today and a tad sore physically but it feels good.

I am reviewing what I need to get better at in my work, briefly. I will review it better again tomorrow sometime before I go in. I have a lot to learn.

Gonna call range soon perhaps, unless I decide to wait and go tomorrow. I will have time.

I may spend today building armor, gun storing, and with family.

If I go gun storing, I am just as apt to sell as buy. I don’t need all of my guns. I keep some mostly for Handgun Project.

The ones I am most likely to sell are some of my Ravens and my Beretta 21A. I have basically finished with them in HG Project.

I am considering buying some too.

I like the B21A as a tyranny mitigate but I can mitigate tyranny with other firearms too. It is mostly about “speed loading.”

I can load all my guns relatively fast. The B21A is the fastest to get a round charged and off though so it is a strong case to keep it. The flip up barrel is crazy fast.


Week 6: Fantasy 0-2

In CBS, I lost bad again.

In ESPN, I lost 128-120. I played a WR going against worst defense against WR in fantasy and he got me 0 points. If I had left other guy in, I would have won. I still lead scoring for league and my division.

I am in top 5 percent of scoring in ESPN leagues.

In CBS, I am still trying to get my shit together. I can still turn deal around but I better get way better fast!



Back home from work…. I enjoyed the shift. The people there are down to Earth. They help me learn to do my job. They work hard. They work well.

I never put on my application that I have a degree. You know before I got kicked out of school, all I had left was my thesis, and I would have had a Master’s Degree.

I have a lot of abilities. A lot….

But you know what? I like being blue-collar.

Blue collar is what really builds this nation.

It really is.

I find myself more and more everyday distancing myself from academia. I find all these philosophers etc. to be full of shit.

It is disturbing to know that political science majors are really screwing the heart of this nation.

I may eventually look for a job that requires my academic prowess. I may not. I find great satisfaction working with my hands and legs and back.

I was doing calculus as a junior in high school, and doing independent study in calculus as a senior. I have worked in health physics, and guarded presidents. I have been in charge of securing multi-million dollar facilities. But I don’t mind getting my hands dirty and building a sweat.

There is a nobility to it, a dignity like no other thing.

The people I work with? I see that in them. I hope it rubs off on me.


Still generally depressed. Being up all night makes it more challenging. I have little choice though. I did very little today. I did a bit of armor testing. I go to work soon. Hopefully tomorrow I am more acclimated to being up all night. I am glad to work, but being up all night is rough. I will try to just focus on my work. My mind really wanders at night though, more than even in daytime.

My job is alright. The people are fine too. It is just being up all night is not my deal, especially when fighting back depression.

I suspect I will be restful tomorrow too. I was in sun as much as I could be today. Tomorrow if I can I go to outdoor range.

I am better but still not out of woods. When I get like this, I have learned to make myself stay somewhat active but not too much.


Working six shifts this week…. In one week, I went from part-time to over-time.

I have decided as you may have figured out to remain conservative though regarding new gun purchases. I have “surplus” money but I am holding on to it.

I will be buying more guns probably, and probably soon, but like I said not going overboard.

If this trend of hours holds, I will still likely save most of my money.

I need to repair my car or buy another. I am leaning toward a new to me vehicle, something practical.

Also, I am tired. 😄


Marvin, we are Starvin’ in Cincinnati. Starvin’ Marvin. Marvin, tell your team you got to eat. They better get cookin’. Tell Dalton that McCarron is rarin’ to go. And so is Joe Shmo.

It is ironic in many ways me writing this as I say so many bad things about NFL and USA and in general.

And football is just a damn game.

But for whatever reason, I get this general good vibe about everyone really. I tend to only talk about the ones (write nice things) I find admirable meaning I deem them better than me.

I see you work hard. Good luck, Marvin.

Marvin, I like the Patriots. But I hope Yall whoop their arses. I said that because I don’t think you swear much or maybe at all.

Football is just a damn game.

But Marvin, we are Starvin’.

People want you fired, Marvin. I don’t.

Today is not the Super Bowl. It ain’t.

But it is food for thought. The recipe needs refined.

I sense you need to change something in the recipe Marvin.

What that is I don’t know.

I hope you do.


You know Marvin, I never really game planned stopping New England. But a cursory review shows they have no real speed on offense. I would man up on them mostly with maybe a safety free to roam.

I would line up inside their wide outs and take away slants. I would make Brady throw wide. Don’t give him TEs in seam without a man there. I would have a safety key TEs, and put an LB on each Gronk and Bennett.

They will throw to RBs underneath and on screens and flats. So be aware of that. They like to get RBs on seams too. They stack scheme well. You can counter though.

Don’t blitz much. Tell them stud D Line you got to get cookin’ too.

It is funny Marvin. You ask anyone who ever knew me as a teammate and they will refer to me as a QB.

But Marvin, D was my favorite.

That was my ball.

I much preferred sacking QBs, causing fumbles and getting picks….

Part of the problem with manning a LB on Gronk/Bennett is they are good run blockers. So maybe just have LBs play a run technique on them with a jam on every play, in other words shed their block and make it a jam if they are releasing.

Thinking it over now, it may be better to zone up and keep two safeties back, but definitely play CBs inside wideouts.

Yeah zone is the way to go primarily. It will lessen there ability to create clear outs.

They run well and throw to RBs well. They use their slowness perfectly.

The key with Gronk is jam him up as much as possible, Bennett too.

And tackle, obviously.

If Gronk or Bennett are split wide, you must man up on them! You must  jam them up. Iloka can probably do it.


I am supposed to be nice to you. I admit that. I try.

I am nice to you. I tell people not to send you to war or shoot you.

I got that going for me.

That and I don’t shoot you, or anything crazy like that, hammer you.

I holler at you mostly. Sometimes I say nice things about people.

Like Takei, he is alright. Gets on my nerves some though.


You know why I supported, Ted Cruz? He said to shoot him if he was a tyrant.

If I ever try to kill you, shoot me. Hahahaha

I ain’t looking for a fight.

America is. All over US and world.

Not me.

Joe Biden? Did you hear his insane ass the other day? Talking about striking Russia.

He is supported and loved by so many of you. Hahahaha

Our sailors all Trumped up on Patriotism are off coast of Yemen itching for a fight.

They are. It is why they joined.

But tell me how them looking for shit in Yemen helps me? Or them?

I am listening, sort of.

See Ted Cruz is insane too in ways of war and national security.

He is all support the troops and police everything.

It is a mess this US.


So tell me, who is trustworthy? Who?

The authors who wrote this damned constitution, should I trust them?

The courts who interpret the damn thing, should I trust them?

I did, and look where it got me.

I was a true believer in this American bull shit and look where it got me.

I believed no one could tell anonymous lies to police and get me in trouble because we are guaranteed right to confront our accuser. Turns out that is all bull shit.

First amendment? Bull shit.

Second amendment? Bull shit.

They are all bull shit.

The whole damn system is bull shit.

Now as an American, let me be the first to say, Vlad Putin is full of shit.

How you doing, Vlad?

Don’t feel bad, Vlad? We all are full of shit.

You treating Snowden well?


Thing is, I am still jaded. I have no friends on Facebook and I still really don’t care.


Hahaha. I probably always will be jaded. I don’t trust people still. I know that not having friends makes it virtually impossible to get stabbed in back by someone you thought you could trust. I am not on board with the rah rah yet. I may never be. I am not an All American cheerleader. See, I don’t buy into the system like you all do. I never will. I will never be like you. I won’t support our government, our soldiers or our cops. The best I can ever do is stay chill.

It is funny to me now. I spent so much time in the past trying to fit into this society and it truly was a waste of my time.

Like right now, much of American society is just dying to attack Iran and start WWIII in the name of securing the US and World. It is the most assinine thing I ever heard of.

Of course I won’t fit in with anyone.

I ain’t the one looking for a fight. I just have learned over my life that we are truly on our own.

If I am honest with myself, I know I truly don’t trust anyone anymore.

Can you blame me?


I think my New Years resolution to be better as a person may finally be coming through. I have failed all year. But now, I think I have been humbled enough to actually be a better person. I have a ways to go. But I see now how my general disdain was an error. The world is full of good people.

Truth is, I have never been the hard ass I purported to be. Truth is, the world is not as bad as I have portrayed it.

I don’t like our government. I don’t like the state of our nation. Those things are all still true.

But I have a better handle on it now.

I am going through some type of awakening. I am sitting here on back porch so at peace.

It really is a wonderful place to be.

It is God. It is the words of several preachers. It ain’t me. It is a type of letting go.


I was up at 0511 today. That is sleeping in here lately. Tonight I start overnight shifts and I may be working 7 days a week for a while. I hope only six days but… got to do. I will have to get my body reset. Tonight I just bite the bullet probably. I doubt I will sleep.

Everybody is sleeping so I am outside. It is very nice out, probably high 60s.

A wolf spider just walked by. I am sitting on ground. I just blew on it to redirect it.

I see that spider a lot. It lives in crack in sidewalk structure.

I left earlier to get smokes. I was in my PJs. The drive thru was still closed. So I went to Speedway in my flannel PJs.

I am so cool.

You know I would not be least bit surprised if wearing PJs in public is a crime. I don’t care though. I did it anyway. You can’t see my Anthony Wiener. My PJs have button fly.


Federal Agents: try not to get bum-rushed by four teens when you are loading your car. It is called situational awareness. If they see your ass in air, it might be your ass. One agent got lucky, sort of. He got living shit beat out of him and kidnapped. Dude I am not making fun of you. I am explaining the deal. Listen in training. Ask questions. And FBI, really? Sorry ass.

Reportedly ages 15,16,18, and 19 are the ages of the violent actors. They kidnapped him at random.

They never knew he was FBI. He was just some Dude with his ass up in air.

Criminals look for easy opportunities. They tied him up and kidnapped him too, kid kidnappers.


People always know what you are doing and how to do it safely. You MUST BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS. It doesn’t matter who or what you think you are.

I am not making fun of you agent.

I am trying to save your ass.

Agent, be aware of yourself. Know when to realize you are not paying attention to what is going on around you and begin again. It must be constant, a back ground program constantly running. You become like a machine in that way.