I am tired. I am still acclimating to being on a third shift schedule full time. I am basically tired all the time now. It is not something I will ever be used to really. I will be in a sort of a daze, haze all the time now. I will eventually learn to function better in it. This daze haze plus my depression has led me to be very careful about pushing myself.
I have been concentrating on rest and sun.
I have wanted to shoot at a range but I just was not enough into driving there or concentrating when I arrived. So I am putting it off. I don’t shoot distracted.
Plus, my job is physical so I am resting. I will consider going to range tomorrow but I probably won’t go then either.
I probably won’t go until next week sometime.
I wanted to shoot some video using the small armor build I made. But I was not into it enough to gather up all I would need in terms of equipment and “personal skill.”
I make it look “easy” but hitting a four inch square target with a handgun is not really easy. I want the video to be fun to make and watch. It would not have been either if made today.
At some point, I will have to push myself, or I will be home all the time unless I am at work.
See, even on my best days, I am no longer all that keen on venturing out into society.
This nation will never be the same to me again. There is no real thing in or about it that I really want to be a part of.
I don’t think many of you can even begin to understand how I feel now about this nation. I don’t love it. I don’t even really like it.
I try to be civil to those I encounter when I go out. I try to be genuine.
But as for having some bond with my fellow Americans?
That is all gone.
Even at a gun range, I am unlike the people there. They are all pretty much support the police and military and wave the flag.
I ain’t. I ain’t all CHL permit quasi-freedom.
I am not even like them.
I don’t really have any interests left.
I really don’t. Most of what I do now is some residual habit from a former life.
Even writing this blog is some kind of habit.
About all I have left is this sense that there might be some purpose to life. Maybe.
I mostly just try to find things to pass the time.
The armor I make is an example. I do it to pass time mostly.
I do it knowing full well that it is as meaningless as the life it is meant to protect.
I have some love left but nowhere to direct it.
I don’t believe in America anymore.
I don’t believe in it at all.
It is just this place full of people that might be dangerous.
I leave them be.
The world is full of people who might be dangerous. That is all the world really is to me
Here is the world. Right here.